I mentioned their energy.

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We all have a certain energy - positive and negative, scrambled, at peace…

 

We enter a room and might feel awkward in it. Might feel uncomfortable and cold. We receive people the same way. We describe them often as “weird” as we cannot really describe them better. We try to avoid eye contact with them. We cross the road to avoid them. We try to stay in a public, fully-lit place, as close to other people as possible.

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Whether borderline or not, whether emotionally unstable or not, others' energies affect our energies. And the stronger their energy, and the weaker ours, the more we are influenced.

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And living with a BPD or emotionally immature parent since our birth, has made our energy very weak, and theirs very strong.

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When you continue living with a borderline or emotionally toxic person, their energy will impact yours. Sooner or later. It's the constant exposure to that toxic energy that gets to you.

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Why is that? And here, we are back to what I wrote before: they don't self-reflect over their own behaviour, don't see fault in themselves. What's more, they believe that all their misery is because of others, and that only others can do something about their wellbeing. They are convinced, that it's others' job to make them happy. So, we could say that their inner energy is corrupted. Their love to themselves and others is “taken over by a virus”, and that “virus” is their own unresolved childhood drama.

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So… Living 24/7, under the same roof, sharing the same living area, food, sofa, TV, etc…, with a borderline person, emotionally immature, unavailable, unstable and narcissistic person, will be like a Cold War. It will take your energy. They will continuously demand from you to take care of them, their issues, certain tasks at home… Anything that will give them a way to engage with you, and make you responsible for them.

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Here's an example:

Sam lives with Norm. They are flat mates. Norm is emotionally immature: he pleases people, is afraid of confrontation and conflict to the point that he blocks off any kind of signs that the flat needs fixing like loud noise in the plumbing.

 

Norm automatically makes Sam responsible for any kind of interaction with the landlord, avoiding any kind of communication with the landlord by phone or even physically not being at home, when the landlord arrives. It's all on Sam. When Sam says, “Could you contact the landlord for once? You live here as well,” he hears, “I am not bothered by that. I have an impaired hearing and I don't see a problem. Anyway, you've always done it. You have such a good contact with him. And besides, you live here, so it's your responsibility to make sure the flat is in good condition.”

 

So, Norm, just leaves the situation, as he knows that this bothers Sam, and Sam will contact the landlord at the end.

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If Sam chooses to leave the issue and move out, Norm will continue living with banging pipes until, by some miracle, the landlord discovers the issue, or, most likely, a new flatmate will solve it for Norm.

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An interesting thing with the impaired hearing: Norm has probably experienced something “exciting” in his earlier life, and his way of dealing with issues =

- avoiding contact - is by blocking off any sounds. Just so he doesn't have to act on it. 

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Here's a different example:

Anna lives with her BPD mum Jessica. Jessica has very low self-esteem, explodes with anger, and keeps blaming Anna for all the issues of the world - that the spaghetti is too long, the coffee is too black.

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Jessica asks Anna to help in the kitchen with dinner. She keeps criticising Anna for her cooking skills: “OMG!”, she slams with her fist on the table. “How do you cut that carrot!”, she yells. “It's too big for the soup! How are you ever gonna feed your man and family when you can't even cut a carrot? They are gonna walk hungry, and he's going to leave you for someone else. You will see! Just give it to me and leave the kitchen! You made me upset now.”

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Anna goes back to her room, and her self-esteem hits the floor. She starts believing that she's useless in the kitchen, has no skills, is just an obstruction for others, and should never under any circumstances put her foot in the kitchen again…

Her mum, Jessica, calls Anna for dinner after an hour, saying, “I've baked this cherry pie as well. Would you like to try? Take some to work tomorrow, to share with your colleagues.” Anna nods, and hugs her mum.

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Anna grows up believing she's crap at being a woman, a wife, a mother. That people she's emotionally involved with can yell at her, and she feels she needs to apologise for making them upset.

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What a mother full of compassion and empathy would have done in this situation, would be to teach her daughter how to cook. She'd use this situation to bond and create a positive, loving memory.

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The situations don't seem to be extreme, right? But every day, every single issue, keeps repeating on and on and on… It's like a drop of water hitting a rock… At the end, even the rock gives in.​​