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Personal Peace Procedure - example 1.

Updated: 5 days ago

If you do EFT on your own or with a therapist, you will be asked you to make a list. List of all the sins you've done in your life. No, I'm kidding 😂. This list is called #PersonalPeaceProcedure.


I always wonder why it’s called “Procedure”. It sounds so surgeon clean. Unemotional, unhuman. How do you feel about Personal Peace List or Personal Peace With Myself and my Past? Maybe Gary Craig went for triple “P” 😉.


This list is said to consist of around 100 points. How terrifying that sounds! 😱. 100 points! “How??? I am not that traumatised!”, you might think. I'll leave that without comment 😆.


A naked tree with three branches (not brunches 😂)
My fist Personal Peace Procedure list


The Personal Peace Procedure list grows, expands, evolves. Some points give birth to few new branches. Imagine a huge tree -- that is the Personal Peace Procedure. Each person on my list is having its own tree, and some of those trees would be connected and had common branches.


When I started it, I got 10 points on my dad and 13 on my mum. No wonder. She has been the biggest emotional frustration for me. But don’t worry. My dad got his own additional points two years later. All in its time. So in 2022 my first Personal Peace Procedure list looked like this:


Big tree, with shit loads of branches, where one branch gives a birth to 10 new ones. Worse than a spider web.
My Personal Peace Procedure List per 2024







If I were to describe my Personal Peace Procedure list per today, Jun 2024, it would look like this:


You can definitely say that it has reached the designated 100 points 😂.


The list got branches. Each branch got its own branch, or 10 of them.





The point when I got to tap about two sexual assaults and one sexual harassment, (where one assault and harassment were done by one and the same man, a colleague from work,it finished with the company deciding that there was no sexual harassment and told me to be, let me quote, “constructive and professional”, which resulted in my immediate resignation and leaving the company), my Persona Peace Procedure list changed its shape. What seemed to be two different things, it's still shared lots of roots and branches with the PPP from 2022. So, to be correct, the above picture should be two trees, tangled together.


As you see, a Personal Peace Procedure can easily take a shape of the burning bush 😉.


But, I actually wanted to show you how my first PPP looked like. This is exactly how I wrote it.




MY PERSONAL PEACE LIST, APRIL 2022


MUM

  • Age 20-22


What: Poli dying - she just sat in the kitchen not taking part in talking, dad would do the talking, in short sharp sentences. Poli was dying in the hallway; Poli taking her last breath on my bed, next to me. My mum would say to me, “Blow into her mouth”. She tried to be there to “help”, said stupid “Blow into her mouth”. Two days after, the whole house was cleaned of Joy’s toys and belongings, as if she never existed.


Emotion: She killed what I loved. Resignation, devastation, disappointment, go fuck yourself, closed down, something died in me, betrayal, pissed off.


Scale: 10


  • Age: always


What: never felt safe and secure at home, more like a hotel: “You live in my flat, you do as I say.”, “My rules! If you don’t like them, move out!” (Those words are probably recognised by many. Repeated by many in their own adult life. Maybe to feel that NOW they were in charge. That now THEY made the rules.)


Emotion: lack of safety, loneliness


Scale: 10


  • Age: since I remember


What: cold, no warm emotions, no hugs, treated me as air


Emotion: not understanding then, confusion, but now I understand she didn’t know any better, but that doesn’t get her off the hook


Scale: 10


  • Age: teen


What: competition, other woman, criticism all the time: my looks, clothes, hair. Angry with me all the time, using me as her servant, releasing anger on me, public humiliation (bring this, take that on family events: tea, coffee, even though she could reach it). When I put nice clothes on, she’d throw them away when doing laundry, without saying anything or asking me. She was with him 24/7 not allowing for any time between me and him, at the end he didn’t want to do anything with me.

Video games he played with me – she’d interrupt all the time.


Emotion: anger, confusion, not understanding, explaining her behaviour (in a way: my dad and family trying to explain her behaviour: “You know how she is”), not fair!, questioning my intuition, my feelings, my guts vs. what others said, so that my feelings/guts became overridden and the “new” became my feeling.


Anger becomes helplessness → tears → whatever.

Not fair! I was a child!


Scale: 10


  • Age: child


What: taking care of me mechanically, as if she did things after seeing on TV, she’d say to go out shopping together, like mothers and daughters do on TV series, but once we’d go she’d refuse to buy me anything I liked, humiliate me and comment on my body “so skinny, only skin and bones” publicly.


Emotion: something was wrong but what?


Scale: no emotion


  • Age: now


What: she was supposed to take care of me, love me, be my mum, this constant push and pull… I’m not a toy!


Emotion: angry with doctors, system, my dad, sister, grandma.


Scale: 10


  • Age: around 13


What: school dance, I showered, dressed up, she’d yell “You can’t go! You showered! You’re gonna fuck around, won’t you?!”, friend came to pick me up she said that I just showered and will get a cold, so I was not allowed to go, 30 min later she came to my room and gave me permission to go anyway… I didn’t go… He saw it all, heard it all and did nothing!


Emotion: anger, WTF!, embarrassment, humiliation.


Scale: 5 (Unbelievable, I rated it only 5 😲)


  • Age: 7-18, especially 15


What: criticising my looks, I was always underweight, she and grandma (her mum) and my sister would say I looked like a skeleton, no man would want me, I had no breasts (according to them; if you’re underweight, there’s no fat and breasts are fat… what were they supposed to grow from? If their size depended on my fear and stress, I’d have a DD by my weight of 45 kg). I wore too big, black and gray clothes. I was no good in the kitchen. They would ask me to help just to show me how bad I was at it, how I didn’t know things, and send me away from there.


Emotion: anger, why the fuck don’t you teach me or stop calling me to help you; looks - guilty, choking in my throat.


Scale: kitchen - 9, clothes - 5 (I should have written a scale on my body, but I understand why I didn’t do it. I grew fond of my body over the years. I put on weight. I even got overweight at some point, but that’s a different story).


  • Age: kindergarten 6-7 y.o.


What: I was sick and dad bought me a teddy-bear, a surprise from work. (I wonder if he bought it or got it for free. Quite often, his presents were a result of a gift from someone). I loved it and didn’t want to part with it. One day it disappeared. When I was 18 I found out from my grandma and my sister that my mum brought it to me grandma’s place, and my grandma burned it in the big furnace that heated the whole house. And they never ever told me about it.


Emotion: anger!


Scale: 10! Fucking 10!


  • Age: 5-6


What: accident with head concussion, hospital - I cried a lot, was scared and lonely, peed myself all the time at night. Parents, especially mum, came every day with a book, a toy, colour book etc. I got glasses. I hated it. I knew kids would laugh at me. Thick like a bottom of a jar. She showed me a lot of compassion, spent all day choosing glasses I liked, walked around with me everywhere, helped me choose a pair, showed me how to keep it clean, brought gadgets and colours I liked. My mum wore glasses herself. All her life that I knew her. Interesting as well that when it came to glasses, she helped me decide, bought what I liked, but when it came to anything, but ANYTHING else, she’d refuse to buy anything I liked.


Emotions: crying and love (love?) and confusion as in why would she do that when she didn’t do all the other things; me hanging onto small things that were showing affection in my relationships.


Scale: 11


  • Age: small, small child


What: at home I always cried myself to sleep, they never came to me when I cried (sometimes my sister came), but most of the time no one, I was scared to fall asleep, always saw dark shadows, a devil-like shadow with horns and evil, coming into my room. I was scared to close my eyes and not to see, so scared that I thought my heart would jump out, so scared that my throat hurt, no one came!


Emotion: fear, pain in my chest, loneliness, abandonment


Scale: 10


  • Age: teen


What: she told me she was beaten by her parents so badly that she lost her teeth, so I had it good coz I wasn’t damaged physically.


Emotion: sad and she was explained/excused… she should know better! WTF!


Scale: 8


  • Age: 18-20


What: my sister (then my grandma) told me she tried to kill herself (oven) but her brother saved her, they talked about it as if “she’s psycho!” but I saw them as ignorants.


Emotion: sad for her - what did her parents do to her that she tried to kill herself? Pissed off with my grandma and sister.


Scale: 10.



DAD

  • Age: child


What: he was never home, and when he was, I was not allowed to bother him because he was tired. She’d close the door to his room so he could sleep.


Emotion: need to hang out with him and feel his presence, loneliness


Scale: 10


  1. Age: all this time


What: I don’t remember him saying “I love you” or “Hug me”.


Emotion: disappointment.


Scale: 8 (Why only 8? That should have been 12. You’ll understand the moment you get to my tapping about him).


  • Age: 13-15-18


What: when I was a child, he’d come to me calm and try to talk/resolve issues my mum created, but when I got older, he’d become more aggressive in his approach and more regretful, yelling instead of talking, punishing instead of resolving; came to my room yelling I was to listen to her, I was to stop doing whatever I was doing to do what she wanted me to do, that I was lazy, I was wrong, I was to lose my pocket money/TV/privileges/couldn’t go to my boyfriend (Darek) etc.


Emotion: why are you yelling? NOT FAIR! She was abusing my person! I haven’t done anything bad! ANGER.


Scale: 10


  • Age: 20-22


What: (+mum), Poli, my neighbour drove over my dog and my parents didn’t do anything, didn’t call me, they let her be in her bed bleeding to death, while they are fries! She died on my bed… After I came home from classes, like 2h after the accident. And he, he did nothing and she loved him… He betrayed her and me… He drove me, and her body to a vet, but she was already dead… Then he sat a month with a cap on his head, not talking to anyone… too late! He did all the explaining, short, sharp words “She got scared”. It took me two months to find out what happened.


Emotion: how could you? She trusted you! I trusted you! Betrayed, disappointed, angry, devastated.


Scale: 11


  • Age: teen


What: he played with me volleyball, ping-pong etc on holidays, when she was asleep, or they argued.


Emotion: happy when we did sth together, appreciated, felt good about myself.


Scale: 8


  • Age: 34-36


What: “Do not come with him (a boyfriend I had back then). You’ve brought so many boyfriends here, your mum doesn’t like it”, “you can’t build your life, keep a man”


Emotion: rejection, confusion, no acceptance, no understanding, hurt, disappointment.


Scale: 10


  • Age: 36


What: Poland, camping, “Don’t come anymore, you irritate your mum”, handshake, no hug


Emotion: surprised, hurt, rejected, not worth fighting for, easy to give up on, why? Disappointed, I had to be the grown up, to hug him as not to part in anger or just a handshake, to understand his reason, I had to know better what to do, no anger - would that change anything?


Scale: 8


  • Age: 14


What: when she hit me (dog, leash) and I told him about it, he was cold, was doing dishes and did not even turn to me, just said “we don’t hit you that often”, did not even stop the dishes.


Emotion: disappointment, why no reaction? Loneliness.


Scale: 8-9


  • Age: 10 forward


What: once my sister moved out at the age of 18 left all this and me alone with it, when I told her about the dog, mum, leash, she advised me to tell my dad, when I told her about his reaction she just shrugged her shoulders.


Emotion: loneliness, “not my problem” (my sister saying), even feeling as if she was saying, thinking “you finally got it, instead of me”.


Scale: 9


  • Age: 13-18


What: I was telling him what she did: threw away my clothes, used me as her servant, disrespected me, he knew about it all, he never did anything about it: no comment, no action, no consequences.

(My dad knew my mum was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder)


Emotion: anger, disappointment, loneliness, coping myself, counting on myself, he was supposed to protect me, and he left me on my own, I needed to deal with grown-ups issues being a child, I had to know better than my parents and sister; sensations in stomach and solar plexus.


Scale: fucking 11


OTHER


  • Age: 22?


What: rape – no interest from them, right after Poli’s death, split up with Darek; they ate fries, didn’t tell me about the accident, she died on my bed; mum: “blow into her nose” – WTF???, obduction, cleaning her toys; I came back late – no interest, why? They found out in the letter I wrote and sent when I was 37 years old, did not comment on it.


Emotion: anger, betrayal, disappointment, loneliness, she killed what I loved, and she enjoyed it, my loss, they never let me offload it on them, what was the point?


Scale: 11


  • Age: 15-16?


What: killing myself, Olivia in bed next to mine.


Emotions: I can't take it anymore, overload, can’t carry this stress, this load, this analysing the situation, the behaviour, the mood anymore, the being punished for nothing!


Scale: 10



The key takeaway notes when creating your PPP:

  • Start -- seemingly the most difficult part. Easy to say but not simple to do? That's ok. It might feel scary. Try thinking that it's for your own wellbeing. Just as you have that cake chocolate for your soul, this list is for your soul, body, mind and emotions.

  • Just go with whatever comes to your mind -- there's no right and worng here. It's all about you and your emotions only. A good therapist, the kind I aim to be, is not going to judge you. It's going to go through it with you and listen to you.

  • Relax -- it might feel slow and sluggish at the beginning, and it's OK. You put on the paper things that have been stored deep and for ages. Whatever comes out is what you're ready to tap on, what is ready to be tapped on.

  • Relax again -- feeling guilt on putting your parent or siblings or partner on it? Put that guilt as a point, write who it concerns (separate point for each person), what it concerns, rate the feeling of the guilt your feeling.

  • Enoy! - how often are you actually honest with yourself 100%? Reach inside of you to take out all the frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, fear, disappointment, stress, numbness, what happened to you, when, HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL situations and people? With no consequences of hearing "Oh, that's not nice to say, is it"? 😉


 

Do you know anyone who is struggling with similar issues, grew up in a home with a borderline parent and needs support? Maybe you are looking for it? Please, don't hesitate to tell them I am here.


If you relate to my stories somehow:

– the borderline parent - growing up in an environment of sudden outburst of anger, frustration, emotional instability, love you -- hate you emotions,

– feeling of lack of love in your childhood or adult life,

-- feeling of not belonging, emotional burn out (especially in romantic relationships),

– sexual assault, bulling, discrimination…

– helplessness, powerlessness towards people and situations,

– disappointment and mistrust towards people, love, doubt you’ll ever find love,


and you would like to:

– work with a therapist who has healed and has been healing her own trauma,

-- who has compassion and capacity to listen (The kind of therapist I am to be)


in order to

– have a better live, 

-- reduce and maybe even neutralise impact of your negative experience from your childhood on your present and future life,

– learn to deal with the triggers on your own (who wants to go to a life-long therapy?),

– be happier, lighter and…

– accept yourself as you are,


get in touch with me on

Email: LoveYourLifeEFT (@) gmail.com

Tel, WhatsApp, Telegram: +46 727 919 609

Or book your free information session on https://loveyourlifeagain.setmore.com/

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