About your past and present
Option 1. The past.
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You grew up with a parent who has been a pain in the ass, and has caused you a great deal of emotional distress. All you ever really wanted was your mum or your dad to stop being so fucking annoying! To leave you alone! You couldn't take it anymore, and you decided to stop the contact with them.
But the results of that childhood shows in your adult life in e.g. the kind of partners you choose, isolation and feeling of not belonging, financial instability, low self-esteem, feeling that you're not worthy of being successful.
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Option 2. The present.
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You're in touch with your dad or mum. His or her behaviour puts you off balance, and within only 5 minutes you are a nerve wreck. You feel that your whole day is ruined.​
You just want it to stop! You want your mum or dad to change, to show you respect and love! But she or he just won't do that, right? And… you just can't cut the cord. There's this invisible force holding you connected with them. You're like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader connected with the dark force.​​​​​​​​
The reality shock
These two reality shocks are to be honest with you. No selling pig in a poke here. No unicorns or pink clouds. Just good old-fashioned honestly.
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​REALITY SHOCK NUMBER 1
We cannot do anything about your parent's behaviour, present or past. We cannot make him/her change. We cannot make her/him say, “I'm sorry. Please, forgive me. I've been an asshole to you.”
I know that just thinking it hurts and makes you feel powerless and helpless…
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​REALITY SHOCK NUMBER 2
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Borderline Personality Disorder parent or emotionally toxic parent will not change... ever. They do not self-reflect on their own behaviour and don't see a fault in their approach towards others; ergo, they don't see a reason to change. What does this mean for you? It means that if you live in four walls with a parent, or a person, like this, they will affect you no matter what.
Therapy can make you more resistant, but not 100%. They will still affect you, and no amount of pot 🪴 or EFT will save you from it. Why? Your energies affect each others. You can read more about it here. So, as long as you share a living area with them, like a house or a flat, you will be affected.​
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So, now, that we have talked about the unthinkable, that no one wants to say out loud, we can move on to other important things.​​​​​
What is that you want now?
Since you've realised by now, that we cannot change them, and they don't want to change either, would you say that what you would like now is:
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to become free of your parent's toxic influence on you, your decisions, emotions, family, and life?
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to be in the same room with them and feel calm, e.g. during family celebrations?
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to become happy, accepting of yourself and have more energy to do what you love?
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To not only stop reacting to their sarcasm, painful comments and criticism, but also to anyone who behaves like them? In all the situations that remind you of them?
Would you like help with...?
​​Here are some areas of your life that you know you need support with, and some that you might not even be aware of:
Learning how to say "no" without feeling guilty, and going back apologising for saying it
Building up self-confidence in standing up for yourself, speaking your mind and knowing that leaving an argument with certain people is not a defeat but a way of caring for yourself
Allowing the negative and distressful memories:
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from your childhood, like physical abuse or emotional manipulation and pain caused by your dad or mum,
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of rape, sexual harassment, bullying,
to become insignificant and fade away
Learning how to calm yourself down in unnerving situations. Your parent was not able to teach you that, as he/she was an emotional chaos him-/herself.
Feeling of deserving, e.g. of that job, that loving and caring partner, financial stability
Being in the same room as your emotionally unstable parent, or anyone reminding you of them, but feeling calm and collected, instead of frustrated and ready to explode whenever
Accepting and believing that your needs and rights to:​
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needing a time off,
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saying “no”,
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being served that breakfast in bed
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being taking care of when you're sick
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being spoiled with hugs and kisses and back rubs,
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to receive and not only give,
are important, you have the right to have them, attend them, and ask from others to fulfil them
Stopping pleasing people and doing whatever would make them happy.
Instead, growing trust and belief that it's possible to have and build happy relationships that are based on mutual respect and satisfaction
Stop getting into unsafe situations and surrounding yourself with people who keep disappointing you and you can't trust
Stop dating toxic people and start believing that
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you are worthy of being loved for who you are, just because you are,
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with no need of pleasing others until the utter emotional burnout
finding love and respect for yourself again
Reducing emotional load and physical symptoms of the negative experiences from your childhood or adult life, that may manifest themselves as, amongst others: insomnia, bloating, digesting issues (over- or underweight)
Being present: hearing and listening during an argument or a sensitive situation, instead of having a “Windows freeze”: not being able to say a word, just nodding and leaving the situation wondering “What just happened?”
So that you can feel tangible changes, like:
Benefits
- calm mind and body,
- sleeping better,
- capacity to listen to others,
- acknowledging your own emotions (“What I feel is true!”),
- have more energy.
Benefits
- happiness,
- loving and accepting yourself,
- calmness,
- reflecting positive energy and emotions on family and environment,
- feeling more peace, politeness, and love towards others,
- spreading rays of joy (smiling more).
Breakthrough Feeling
- “There's nothing wrong with me”,
- “What happened to me doesn't define me”,
- “I don't have to blame myself anymore.”
- "I am not responsible for others' emotional state!"
Long Term Benefits
- confidence in saying “No”,
- neutral to emotionally frustrated and immature people,
- able to regulate own emotions in stressful situations,
- notice your body's reactions and feel your emotions.
I wish for you to find love for yourself,
inside yourself,
so that you Love Your Life Again.
Would you like to read more examples on how EFT can help you? Click the button below to see what I struggled with and how I have changed.